To help resolve any unfinished business that you have with another person, write a letter. This may be written to a person who has hurt or wronged you, and who is no longer a part of your life. DO NOT ACTUALLY SEND THEM (or anyone) THIS LETTER, this letter is for YOU. Keep it confidential.
I STRONGLY suggest doing this activity with a professional counselor and talking through the situation with them. They can support you.
Writing this letter will help you to:
Reflect and process
Feel emotions
Think more slowly
Problem solve
Maybe to forgive the wrong-doer
Forgive yourself, if you need to
Put your thoughts and emotions to paper
Release pent up thoughts and strong emotions, like pain, sadness, and anger
Find some peace, healing and resolution
Empowerment and improve self-esteem
Increase self-care and self-love
Format:
There are no set rules for writing this letter. You may find it difficult to start this process, just dive right in. The letter can be edited and re-organized to how you would like. Start with the wrong-doer’s name, like you are writing a letter. If you’re unsure of how long your letter should be, try aiming to write one to three pages just to get an idea. Once you have that, you will better know if the letter should be any longer. The letter is to benefit you and to help resolve any unfinished business, the length of the letter doesn’t matter quite as much. End the letter with your name.
Important things to think about including:
Things that you want the wrong-doer to know.
Anything that you want to say to them.
Talk about what they did to you.
Talk about how you feel.
Talk about your reaction to what they did.
Talk about the impact that it has had on yourself. What areas of your life have been impacted? How has it been changed?
Write about what you wish went differently.
Write about how you wish things ended with that person.
Is there anything that you could have done differently?
Allow yourself to be open to writing anything that comes up.
This is a challenging exercise, so take a break if you need to, re-visit it. *Self-care is very important through this process.* Work on acknowledging your thoughts and emotions, know that they are natural and occur for a reason, but let them roll away (not sticking in your mind) as you write. Utilize coping strategies to reduce intense stress, anxiety, emotions, etc. Try to make sure that you’re in a good “mental space,” not overly anxious or panic when you write this. It is helpful to be able to think clearly and be focused. After you finish writing this letter, read it out loud to yourself. Reading it to yourself might be emotional because your brain will be processing the information slightly differently, hearing your own voice read what you wrote is powerful. Read it to a counselor, they will listen and be able to guide you. If you think that it would be beneficial reading it a second or third time, then do so. Notice if your thoughts and emotions changed the next time through. Lastly, when you are ready, you completed the letter and read it out loud, destroy the letter for resolution (and confidentiality). There is symbolism in destroying the letter. It isn’t returning. Allow yourself to be healed and empowered. Love yourself. Notice how you feel while destroying the letter and afterwards. Do you feel physically lighter, like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders? Do you feel empowered? Did you sigh in relief or smile?
Once again, please talk with someone if you need to, don’t hesitate to reach out. It is rewarding to speak with someone, brain imaging research shows that talk therapy (psychotherapy) can be impactful right away.
This mirror work activity will increase self awareness and promote personal growth.
Looking in the mirror, state to yourself:
“I love you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Forgive me.”
“Thank you.”
While looking at yourself in the mirror and stating these things, pay attention to your non-verbal body language, the tone and speed of your voice, and the thoughts and emotions that arise.
What comes up?
Did you just go through the motions?
Did you experience any powerful emotions?
Were your thoughts negative or positive?
Was your body physically uncomfortable?
Did you speak quickly?
Did you dissociate?
Do you feel valued?
You may want to jot down notes in a journal to have a record.
What’s your favorite positive affirmation, right now?
Mine is, “I have everything I need.”
I tend to feel like I need MORE (belongings, money, approval from others, etc.) and it can create anxiety and tension. I don’t actually need any of these things. When I practice living in the moment and tell myself that I have everything that I need RIGHT NOW, HERE in the present, I feel less anxious.
To all of the busy women, here are some strategies that can help you be productive and calm.
Does this sound familiar to you? Personally, as a busy person (have a young daughter, maintaining relationships, keeping the house tidy, running my own mental health private practice, blogging (for two websites), and preparing for ultramarathons), I struggle with being calm while I go about my day.
Here’s how it usually goes.
I’m usually productive in some way because there is always something that needs done. I tend to feel like things need to be done in an overly particular way. Tasks get done, it’s just not always how well (quality) or in the order that I’d like it to be, so I need to be flexible.
When there’s anxiety present.
Anxiety couples this feeling that something needs to be a certain way or lack of having an amount of control. Anxiety is also provoked when I feel overwhelmed by the amount of things that I need to do. It’s difficult being calm. I want things to be completed in a timely manner and done right. Sometimes, I aim for perfection, but I know that that’s unrealistic. I put a lot of pressure on myself.
How do I remain calm while I’m in a state of being busy and usually anxious?
• I practice time management • Prioritize tasks • Ask others for help • Tell someone “no” when they ask if I can do something when I truly don’t have the time • Mindfulness • Slow myself down, so I can think clearly • Stay grounded • Self-care. Sometimes taking a full day for it! • Exercise or run • I focus on my strengths and goals (and the reasons behind them) • I think positive (in general) • I reframe my distorted thinking • I write down affirmations
There are probably some other tricks that I use that aren’t coming to mind. Whatever I do, I choose to act in a more helpful and healthy manner. I choose to react in a way that is more calm.
How do I know which strategy will help?
I don’t 100% of the time know which strategy will help, but I do know that I can try two or three and see if they work. Overtime, it is easier to know which strategies will work and for what. If a strategy doesn’t help, no big deal, pick another. There are instances where anxiety is stronger and it takes a handful of strategies to help. Also, no big deal.
The strategies from this list are additional “to do’s”, but they makes life better and adds peace. This work becomes more effortless the more that I practice it. You can do this, too.
Dialects relate to our theories and ideas, in terms of the OPPOSITE way we think. Here are some thinking patterns that we all experience, and get caught up in, it does us no favors to become stuck!:
Instead of thinking this way, we should think in terms of seeing the shades of gray, between black-and-white thinking. Practice being flexible and find middle-ground options in your behavior. Trying to see the opposing side.
Examples
▪︎ When in conflict, find something to agree about in the other person’s perspective. ▪︎ Instead of procrastinating on a task, break the ice with one or two small steps. ▪︎ Make a list of at least five positive qualities you (or someone else you are down on) have.
If you’re stuck in the above thought patterns, try the opposite.
Look at the other side of things. We often default to the negative side of situations or ourselves. We can be critical and harsh. Look at the opposite side of the dialect.
Ask yourself
▪︎ Is there a silver lining or hidden opportunity in the problem that you are facing? ▪︎ What strengths, skills, resiliencies, and resources do you have? Play to your strengths.
A favorite quote of mine by Arthur Ashe, which is relatable, “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”
▪︎ What skills can you improve to better manage a crisis? Aim to be more skillful, trying a new skill can be helpful, too!
See other perspectives
There is no position in existence that accounts for every perspective. Think about other people’s perspectives and ideas that are the opposite of yours. Look for the pebble of truth in those perspectives and ideas. Where is the middle ground between the opposite perspectives?
Make gradual changes
Changes are often more gradual than dramatic, life changes slowly overtime. Reflect on a problem. If the problem were less severe or resolved, what are some behaviors that others would notice you doing?
To begin making gradual changes, practice those behaviors.
Examples
• If you’re feeling depressed, add daily exercise. • When struggling with social anxiety, initiate a conversation with someone. • When isolated, reach out to friends and family to talk.
Exception rule
This dialectical technique supports positive change. Think about your history and the times when helpful and healthy behaviors were prominent. Do more of those helpful and healthy behaviors now. Do more of what works!
Examples
• Keeping a planner or journal. • Make self-care a priority. • Engage more actively in your social support.
Embrace the things that are not problems
We’re easily preoccupied with our problems. You could write a “Gratefulness List,” or you could write a fun list including hilarious and dramatic problems that you don’t have.
“Not a problem” list examples
• I am not kidnapped and being examined by aliens. • I don’t have smallpox. • I am not lost in the desert.
Having compassion
It’s easy to feel powerful emotions, such as anger and disgust towards people, especially if we don’t like them because of mean, rude, and unskillful behavior.
The next time you’re in this situation, it can help to practice compassion by imagining what circumstances lead that person to be unkind and unskillful.
What unhappiness exists for such people?
Try practicing compassion the next time you feel hurt, upset, and wronged by somebody.
Being flexible
Our thoughts and feelings are often too rigid, causing us misery. Learning to be flexible and to “go with the flow,” will bend and not break those thoughts and feelings.
Consider other perspectives and practice being more flexible in situations, flowing with reality rather than imposing your will against it.
The types of thoughts that we have can make a big difference in the way that we handle going through a crisis or difficult time. An affirmation is a short and simple statement that is used to bring subconscious thoughts conscious. As thoughts become conscious, we can begin to take control of our way of thinking.
By adopting positive affirmations, we can build a more resilient brain, allowing us to better cope through tough times. Over time and with repetition, our thoughts can change our brains, and even our cells and genes. This process of the brain changing is called neuroplasticity. Affirmations activate the brain’s reward center. – I’ll include a link to an easy to read article that explains the science at the end.
Choose a few affirmations that you feel are most relevant to the crisis or difficult time. You may also create your own. You can download and print out this sheet and place it somewhere in your home or at your workplace. If the affirmations are visible to others, maybe they will benefit? Another idea is to write them on a sticky note or index card. Since sticky notes don’t take up a lot of space, good spots to place them are, on a mirror, refrigerator, or work computer.
Repeat the affirmations a couple times per day to yourself and read them out loud. Reading them out loud is effective because you’re hearing them in your own voice. Neuroplasticity occurs overtime, so give the process time to unfold before you give up on it. The best time to practice the affirmations is when you feel
Let me know if you have any questions.
Affirmations
I remain calm in a crisis.
I am slowly becoming the kind of person who can survive this storm.
I am free of anxiety and am living a calm life.
When circumstances change, I will feel all the more grateful for what I have.
I am replacing my negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
I am attracting positive energy into my body.
I am safe and in control.
I’m not going to be struggling my whole life.
I’m not alone in this world.
The situation I’m currently dealing with is only going to make me stronger, wiser and powerful.
The feelings of panic are leaving my body.
My mind is clearing and I am in control.
My body is calm.
I find joy in moving forward.
I choose to shine, not to suffer.
I have what I need to get through this.
Problems are opportunities for growth.
I am able to see what needs to be handled first move through the rest after that.
Living according to my values is what really matters.
I acknowledge all the good in my life because I know that this is the foundation for all abundance.
I move through life with easy and grace.
Life is as good as I make it.
I have the power to change the world in a positive way by being myself.
Failure is part of the road to success.
Good things are going to happen.
I am confident that I will get through this.
I will always remember how far I have come, not just how far I have to go.
I will start where I am, use what I have and do what I can.
I know that I can do it.
I make wise decisions.
Everything will be okay.
I’m human and I can learn from my mistakes.
I face problems bravely.
I am strong.
All I can do is my best.
Everything that I have gone through has helped me grow.
This life is mine to live and I’m going to make the most of it.
I’m not going to quit.
Things always get better with time.
Happiness begins with me.
I am resilient and capable.
I’m grateful for everything that I have.
My mental health is improving.
I can deal with it.
I feel free and happy.
I have abundant energy, vitality and well-being.
Five years from now, this won’t matter as much as I think it will.
Everything will be okay.
I inhale confidence and exhale fears.
I’m thriving and make the most of every moment.
I’m in a safe space.
I’m letting go of my stress.
I’m not getting discouraged.
I have a positive mindset.
Things in my life will start to be better.
I am holding my head up high.
I breathe in relaxation, I breathe out tension.
I can get through anything.
I welcome challenges into my life.
Challenges are opportunities to learn and grow.
I’m stronger than I think.
I am getting stronger everyday.
I am a strong and capable person.
I can handle feeling uncomfortable.
I am in control of how I think, feel and behave.
Hard times do not get the best of me.
I have the ability to overcome every obstacle.
I will not let fear take control of me.
I release all negativity from my life.
When I have done all I know how to do, I choose to let my mind rest.
I’ve been knocked down before and I can get back up again.
I welcome fear as a sign to be careful, but choose to let go of it when it no longer serves me.
